Hi everyone, I’m using a throwaway account because I’m completely lost and need some unbiased advice about my marriage. My husband, who is 35, and I, who is 33, have been together for nine years and married for four. For the first five years, we were incredibly happy, but then life threw us some curveballs. We experienced illnesses in the family, and my husband was dealing with immense work-related stress. This affected him profoundly, and I could see him changing. Then I got pregnant. My husband was on board with the idea, but he wasn’t exactly ecstatic. Looking back, it’s clear that I wanted a child more than he did. He just went along with it because he didn’t want to lose me and because he thought he’d “never be completely ready.” I wanted a baby so badly that I didn’t stop to consider that it might be a bad idea, given my husband’s stress and lack of enthusiasm. It was my mistake, and I am fully aware of that now.
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The pregnancy itself was absolutely miserable. My husband was emotionally cold towards me. He never asked how I was doing or even touched my stomach. We avoided discussing the topic whenever possible, but when we did, he sounded like he was facing a death sentence. I spiraled into a deep depression and even brought up the possibility of abortion multiple times throughout the pregnancy, which my husband was strongly against. He still clung to the hope that we could become a happy family, but I was doubtful.
He was physically present during the delivery, but the postpartum period was even worse. He could barely look at our child for the first four months, and I was completely alone with no support. His treatment of me was icy and distant. Generally, he would help with exactly one diaper change a day, only because I specifically asked him for that five-second break. He never cared for the baby during nighttime wakings or offered to watch the baby so that I could simply take a shower.
Gradually, things started to improve as our child grew older. He began to help out more around the house, and now he’s actually a wonderful father. He truly enjoys spending time with our child and does so happily. However, I am still struggling immensely. The past few years have taken a tremendous toll on me, especially the **cold and callous treatment** I received from my husband. He even told me a few times over the years that he didn’t love me anymore and that he didn’t know if he ever would again. Now, he tells me that he loves me and tries to initiate physical intimacy, but I’m just…numb. Sometimes, I feel repulsed when we have sex, and I have absolutely no desire to be near him. It feels like such a lie when he tells me that he loves me now.
I am incredibly confused and conflicted because I know that bringing a child into this world with a less-than-enthusiastic partner was partially my fault. And then again, I harbor such intense resentment and hatred towards him for the way he treated me during and after my pregnancy. I have tried to discuss my feelings with him, but he dismisses them, arguing that I almost forced him to have our child. He is adamantly against couples therapy, so that is not an option.
I am truly at a loss. I love my husband and always have. But I am not sure if I will ever overcome the way he treated me. Will I ever feel loved by him again? Is that even something I want?
I need your honest opinions and advice. Do you think this marriage can be salvaged, especially when he is unwilling to consider couples therapy or even acknowledge my side of the story? Is it possible to move forward and rebuild our relationship after such deep wounds, or am I simply clinging to a broken dream?
