My boyfriend (32M), Eric, has a profoundly troubled relationship with his entire family. His mother, diagnosed with narcissistic personality traits, behaved erratically throughout his childhood. To add another layer, neurological scans revealed an area associated with empathy is almost non existent in her brain! I’ve witnessed firsthand the appalling ways she treats Eric and his younger sister, Lisa (24). When Eric was four, his mother divorced his biological father and moved abroad with him. Some years later, she married Eric’s stepfather, with whom she had Lisa. Ten years ago, Eric’s mother and stepfather divorced. The stepfather then began a relationship with Eric’s cousin’s ex-wife – a woman forty years his junior, a fact that understandably deeply disturbs Eric. Since this relationship began, Eric’s connection with his stepfather, once his closest parental figure, has fractured completely. He feels utterly unsupported and pushed away from his family and its traditions, leaving him feeling isolated and without relatives.
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Adding to the complexity, last year, Eric’s 53-year-old mother became pregnant with twins with her current partner. My boyfriend is completely [“creeped out”] by the situation and the idea of his mother starting a new family at her age.
Eric frequently vents his anger and frustration about his family situation to me. As someone with healthy family relationships, I struggle to understand how to respond and behave in these situations. It’s difficult for me to truly empathize, although after 2.5 years together, I’m learning more about the dynamics involved.
Eric often blocks his sister Lisa because he feels she doesn’t understand the depth of his pain. He believes she’s in a better position because she still has a relationship with her biological father. He feels unheard and hurt by her dismissive responses when they communicate. She often invalidates his triggers, mentioning her interactions with the rest of the family, which makes him feel even more excluded. I can also see Lisa’s perspective – she feels he’s shifting responsibility onto her when she’s dealing with her own challenges within the family.
Eric has been in therapy on and off since he was 18, exploring various approaches like Gestalt, CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), psychoanalysis, and metacognitive therapy. However, he hasn’t been in therapy for the past four years due to financial constraints.
Last night, we had an argument triggered by his anger towards his family and their perceived wrongdoings. I try to respond calmly, acknowledging his emotions and the situation, but he literally told me that [“my advice sucks”] and that I never offer anything new. I suggested he consider therapy again, emphasizing that therapists are trained to provide emotional support in these situations, a level of support I don’t possess. He countered that after 2.5 years together, I should know how to support him in a more nuanced way. I often feel irritated and inadequate because my responses are met with pessimism and criticism. I suspect that some of my phrases, meant kindly, come across as patronizing or minimizing. For example, saying “I understand it hurts when you feel left out” is apparently interpreted as [“pouring gasoline on the fire”]. He wants me to learn how to support him effectively, as my generic statements like “I don’t know how to respond in a way that helps, but I care, I’m here, and I’m listening” are no longer sufficient. He claims I repeat myself and [“do not evolve”]. I realize I need to research these complex family dynamics and find better tools than vague comfort.
I try to validate his feelings consistently, and occasionally offer solutions. However, I feel he expects me to act as a therapist, exceeding my abilities, which often overwhelms me. In those moments of overwhelm, I say the wrong things and push my perspectives, making the situation worse. What should I do to learn how to respond to his feelings more effectively? How can I better support him without being overwhelmed?
