My boyfriend’s hygiene and lack of motivation are making me lose attraction — did I enable this? (27F, 31M) I know this has probably been asked before, but I really need perspective because I’m starting to think I might have enabled this behavior. I (27F) met my boyfriend (31M) when I was 22. I was young, easily impressed, and fell very hard for him. At the time, he seemed confident, outspoken, and a bit mysterious — basically the full package to me. He’s also sweet, funny, and very kind, which made me fall even harder. I excused or even romanticized almost anything he did. I told myself I loved his style, his messy habits, his weird jokes, and even his excessive farting and burping. I thought it meant he was comfortable being himself around me. Fast-forward to the past year: he moved out of his parents’ house into his own apartment, and we see each other maybe once or twice a week. That’s when I noticed some habits that are… extreme. • He can go months without changing his bed sheets.
• He showers maybe once or twice a week, and never before we get intimate. Meanwhile, I spend a lot of time prepping — full shower, brushing, grooming — before I go over. • He rewears the same clothes — including underwear — multiple days in a row. • He doesn’t use shampoo regularly because he says it dries his hair. • His feet and socks always smell bad. • Sometimes I can smell his armpits, which is very off-putting.
• He refuses deodorant because he believes “it makes him smell worse.” • He only shaves if there’s a big event coming; he never makes the effort to look presentable when we see each other. • He’s stopped caring about his appearance and has gained a significant amount of weight. For context: we both graduated in the same major. I landed a job, but he didn’t — not because he couldn’t find one, but because he wants to take a year off to rest and figure out what he wants. Honestly, I’m not attracted to the lack of motivation. I feel like I’ve grown up and I want a partner who is responsible and ambitious, and that’s just not him right now.
When we first started dating, we both gained weight together, but I eventually joined a gym and even paid for three months for him. He went twice and never again. I realize I may have contributed to this over time. For years, I kept saying I “loved him the way he is,” that I didn’t mind the messiness, that comfort was attractive. But now that we spend more time at his place, the reality is… I’m genuinely disgusted. His hygiene isn’t just “messy boyfriend” level — it’s extreme, and combined with his lack of motivation and effort, I feel like we’re in very different places in life.
I don’t want to sound ungrateful — he’s sweet, funny, and very kind, and I love that about him. But I also can’t pretend I’m okay with this anymore. I feel guilty for letting it get this far, but also overwhelmed by how much would need to change. How do I talk to him about this without completely hurting him? Is this even fixable, or is this just who he is? Did I create this problem by being too tolerant early on?
